Dealing with ODD in children can be difficult but the more you are aware of their behavior and the reasons behind them then the more you can help them. This article highlights 4 problematic behaviors from ODD in kids and how to handle them.
Ever felt like your kid was out to get you? We’ve all been there when our child tries to outsmart us by using their brain.
ODD in children manifests itself in several behaviors that can be expected and knowing how to handle them will help to make parenting defiant children easier.
For more information on what ODD is and what causes it, read this.
It’s important to spot probmlematic behavior early as if they are not challenged, they hold onto them and this can be detrimental later in life.
The Mind of a Child
Children don’t see things the same way that parents do. Without the benefit of years of experience, they act on emotion and instinct.
They want what they want and don’t mind using negative tactics to get it from you. It’s all about them. Instead of evaluating a situation to see all sides, they only consider how they feel.
Children with mental disorders like Oppositional Defiant Disorder can get caught in a bad cycle. They start relying on these problematic behaviors and things spiral out of control from there.
As long as you feed into their way of thinking with your behavior, they will continue to manipulate, yell, scream, and terrorize everyone around them. The solution is to get help.
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Problematic Behaviors Parents of Defiant Children Should be Aware of
The road to healing is long and hard. As parents, you are required to do a lot of the heavy lifting. The first step is to understand your children. Know how they think and what they do to get their way.
Behavior 1 – Woe is Me
This is the thought that the entire world is against them. When things don’t go their way, then nothing is fair and they shouldn’t have to comply.
This means that if they decide that school sucks, they don’t feel they should get up and go in the morning no matter what you say. In some ways, a defiant child can also be passive-aggressive by moving slowly so that they will have no other option but to get their way and stay home.
Behavior 2 – Pride in Negativity
Kids always think that they know more than their parents. Defiant kids are great for needling their parents with things that they know that their parents aren’t aware of.
They could say they learned how to steal or about drugs or about mature video games that they shouldn’t even be playing. It’s nothing for them to tell their parents that they don’t know what they are talking about to make you feel stupid or that they have “one up” on you.
Behavior 3 – Dishonesty
Kids do lie and will continue if they are not caught and the situation dealt with. Defiant kids use lying, telling half-truths, and keeping secrets to deny that they have been caught in bad behavior. They may even mix some truth into the story to make it seem more plausible.
Behavior 4 – Playing Victim
This is a jewel in their crown. They always blame someone else for what happens to them or for what they do. Even if they are the aggressor, it is the other person’s fault that they had to say or do something bad to them.
Recognize the methods that defiant kids use to justify their behavior. Teach them to change their way of thinking by modeling good behavior and trying these strategies of dealing with ODD.
Children with ODD are often quite angry but what if they become violent?
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Accepting A Defiant Child’s Anger But Not Violence
It’s hard to believe that your child’s angry tantrum could turn into violence. More than a few caring, firm, parents have found themselves in a position when their child displayed violent behavior.
Seeing your child throw or hit something can be frightening, especially in an older child. However, if your child has something like Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) you probably accept that there are anger issues but you cannot permit violence in your home.
Admitting that you are afraid of your child is difficult but you must keep everyone safe. So how can you keep your child’s anger from turning into acts of violence? Why does it happen? What fuels the anger and frustration? How do you diffuse it?
Finding the answers with the help of a professional will help your child gain better
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Firstly, Release Any Form of Shame
Oppositional Defiant Disorder is a condition in which symptoms often include defiance and anger or emotional issues. Many kids have times when they are contrary, moody, and stubborn with others, especially adults.
However, kids who have been diagnosed with ODD, experience intense anger. Consuming anger can easily escalate into verbal or physical violence against you, their siblings, or other people. For some, just the diagnosis and related behaviors make them feel ashamed of themselves or their loved ones.
As a parent, when your child’s behavior isn’t appropriate, you look to experts and other parents for advice. If that advice doesn’t work, you may start to feel embarrassed, ashamed, or guilty. You may feel that others are judging you by how your child behaves.
These negative feelings only add fuel to the fire, not only for you but for your child. Remind yourself and others that
How an ODD Child Thinks
Many children with ODD have a skewed view of the adult/child relationship. They may even see themselves as an equal to an adult. These kids may see and speak to you as if you were a peer, obey you when they feel like it, and tend to be manipulative to get what they want.
You may notice that, as long as the kids get their way, everything goes smoothly. However, things can get ugly when you don’t agree with your child or they are upset by your response.
Unless the skewed thought patterns are corrected, the behavior patterns could continue throughout childhood and into their adult lives. Angry, defiant children, with little control of their anger, can grow into abusive or even lethal adults.
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Taking the Bang Out of Anger
While each child, family, and circumstance is different, when it comes to soothing/calming someone who is angry or diffusing a potentially violent situation, there are some common strategies that work well for many parents. To help take the explosive “bang” out of your child’s blowup, you may want to incorporate some of these ideas into your strategies.
Different Strokes for Different Folks – Kids with ODD often need you to use different strategies than you might normally use. For example, you will need to focus more time on helping your child make sense of emotions and feelings. Learning how to recognize triggers and escalating anger, as well as how to self-calm, are a few things that may need extra attention or require different strategies.
Real, Relevant, and Consistent – Keep rules, boundaries, and expectations relevant and consistent. Defiant kids will push the limits to get a first-hand idea of exactly how much you will tolerate, what you will do, and most importantly, if you will be consistent. Let kids know the consequences of their actions.
When it comes to violence and safety, yours or theirs, there is no room for making exceptions or excuses. If they harm someone, it is assault. If they destroy something, it’s destruction of property. If they hurt or harm an animal, it’s animal cruelty. Call the police to handle the situation in older children. Having to do this can be heartbreaking to you. However, learning where the unmovable boundaries are in real life makes later experiences easier for everyone.
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Change the Channel – Channel angry energy into a constructive activity. When the kids (or you) are mad, adrenalin surges through the body. The madder you are, the more adrenalin there is. Work with your child to come up with a list of things that may help your child work out the angry feelings and energy without hurting you, themselves, animals, or tearing up
Try each idea, making note of what worked best and what didn’t work at all. Many parents and children find that cycling, running, jumping, and other whole-body activities help to use up the adrenaline, often enabling everyone to think more rationally.
Combine Talk and Do – For many children and adults, officially sitting down to talk things out is overwhelming. It’s easier for people to talk about uncomfortable topics or deep feelings while working on a project or activity together. For example, try discussing your child’s anger or feelings while playing a 1-on-1 game of basketball, walking to the store, planting flowers, etc.
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Keep Calm – Any time anger or negative emotions, like frustration or fear, are in the mix, it’s extremely likely that someone will start yelling. Since you’re a role model, it’s important for you to keep your cool. Remind yourself that your child is yelling as a way to get rid of the adrenaline, but there are much better ways to accomplish that.
When your child starts to yell, keep your voice calm and even while speaking in a quiet, low tone. This helps your words reach primal and rational parts of the brain and tells your child that you are serious. Once you’ve made a decision, be firm, stick to it, and refuse to give in to emotional manipulation.
Accepting that your child may need extra help with anger issues, is good. However, violence and abuse, whether verbal, emotional, or physical, can never be tolerated or accepted, even from your child. Once violence sneaks into your home, it affects every family member, friend, and even your pets. Do everything you can to keep it out of your home and life, even if it means calling the police or other officials.